"no. i don't want to because i think i can't commit to this. but i promise i will help you guys out"
approximately 10 months ago, the idea of organizing a concert was born. personally, i have full doubt and the only thing i was thinking is, this is suicide! Why are you guys doing this? Just because someone say we should do one, doesn't mean we have to! nevertheless, we all hang in there, with uncertainty at the back of our mind"
"Yes! at last the script is done"
meeting in the library, 4 of us, sit together and fix the script, how the play runs and all. the themes, the lights, curtains, props and all. at the back of my mind, i kept thinking, are we sure we are doing this? but what is started must be finish, i hang on. from this point in time, everyone has started their parts. getting the materials, costumes, getting the dances and all. meetings after meetings, calls after calls. at this point in time, i told myself, its alright, just do what you can, and leave the rest to the others.. trust them, like you trust yourself.
"alright.. here what i think is, a shadow scene.. and here.. is a good vs evil scene... so its a red and white lighting"
"wow, alright, sounds good"
imagining it in my head, the stage and all, i throw my imagination drama to everyone. with ideas bouncing back n forth, arguments get heated up, complains goes all the way i'm surprise that we all still stick together. looking back at everything, it seems like most of my ideas are put into the final product, making it almost my own play.
"sigh"
"hahaha, its alright wenqi, don't worry too much about it"
every weekend right down in the back of the building, in the confined space, we held our practice rounds, one getting better than another, improvements happens, changes made, tempered flared, disappointments shown. again and again we go through everything with every possible methods tried. warm up sessions, briefings and never ending explanation. every practice, we counted the days, to the big event. the concert.
"okay, next week we will be at the hall"
1st rehearsal was good and bad in some ways. our flaws of practice shown brighter than the sun on a summer day and disappointment again swept through everyone. changes and planing were made again and again, non which able to solve the problem. we did what we can on that day, with plans and action to fix the problems arise on the day. we needed a leader. a person that was able to call the shots.. and we needed one fast.
"how was today's rehearsal?"
"i also don't know what to say"
on the night before the day, right after work, final preparation were done. some involve a lot of deep thoughts. at this night, there are many questions arise. questioning my effort towards the concert, the big day. whether the things i did was good enough. whether things i did was right? this was the turning point, when a friend decided to reminded me "its not a good time blaming now, better focus on ur ideas".
"today i am going to be selfish"
today is one of the days i do not want to repeat ever again throughout the rest of my life. it is not the proudest moment in my life.. that 15 minutes of it was in fact, not something i like to do. nevertheless what's done was done. in my heart, i ask... what have i done? you are nobody here! you have no rights to do that and its a disgrace of myself doing what i have just done. thinking back of that, i shouldn't have took that method in which i regretted it much.
"you are the stage director, you have to call it!"
i cursed as that phrase rang in mind over and over again. not me i said, not me! i am not the director! i am nobody! i told myself silently. it hit right hard enough to awaken me to the things i am in. being a guy that had no fix positions suddenly being thrown into a high position overnight, it is not a pleasant thing to do. making calls with minimal time of thinking, no time to consult others, under the pressure of different parties, i doubt myself whether i could make it out of the hall alive.
"tonight is the night. the stage is all yours"
as the night proceed, i was shocked again and again with awe and amazement. till a point i myself wondered, whether i was watching a group of youth performing or a group of professional actors and actress on stage having their best time in their life. it was beyond words to describe everything. at the very end, it was a success.
"thank you!"
proud through out? yea a little. regrets through out? yes. plenty. regretted that i couldn't deliver what i said i could. i regretted things i said has brought up conflicts. regretted things i've done had cause strain in relationships among people. and the thing i most regretted is i wasn't able to get to know everyone in the group. it is uncalled for.
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