life~ the other side of the fence.

its the end of 2009! and things isn't as good as i thought. my plans wasn't going as i planned. and life isn't treating me well. recent weeks are full of disappointments, feeling of being used, or taken advantage of. which is kind of bad when there is a bit of everything and you have no where to go to or push those responsibilities away. personally i hate to disappoint myself, i then will hate myself more for disappointing others, my friends and family. i said i be back home and because things that could be avoided, i have disappoint them. i don't care what others say, but it is me that i'm disappointed with. no one is to blame other than myself.

i never expect that the wave of 'destruction' will spread so wide. i thought i could control it, but no, it went way out of hand. and now, all i can do is just to stand at the middle point, and look towards the end of the seemingly never ending effects of the destruction of the path. thinking about it, and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day seems only seems to make things worst than the day before. people tell me its okay, and all, but no, its not.. its never okay.

many find my current plans very wasteful and 'out-of-your-mind'. yet, i personally feel that is the best way with whatever i have. yea, maybe my priorities in life is not right. so what, no one knows what are my priorities are anyway. i'm sorry if you are not on the top list. or maybe not even on the top 20, or not even on the list it self.

disappointment is one thing. being taken advantage, being used and being taken for granted is something else. i use to not mind to help people to do their stuff. what i mind is people thinks i'm all theirs, as if i don't have my own life, or my own plans. i know i am a flexible person and i am an adaptive person. but wait, you ask me to help you and u expect it to be done even i have my own plans? come on man.. i have my own plans, i have my own life, you don't own me okay! not even my parents own me!(sorry mum n dad, but i think u know what i mean) i hate it when i screwed up my plans. i'm already bad in planing, and thanks to some things that can be avoided, i am either late or have to scrap the whole plan off and put it on the next day. once, twice? maybe, always? maybe not. i don't like it when people think i'm all ways ready for them and no one else. that is just selfish. i love to be there for you, for joy and for sorrow, and all, but i can't always be there, i cannot promise i will always be there 24/7 for the rest of my life. no one can promise that. if one promise that, he/she's either god or lying (face it. its a fact!). if some unforeseen circumstances occurs and i change my plans then i accept it. but if its avoidable or could be done some other way which save time and energy, and was not taken? then its harder for me to understand and accept. yes im a pretty practical person.

maybe i am just to quiet, or maybe i am those that just allow people to trample all over me, allowing people to take control of my life regardless what i say. i don't blame the world for my misfortunes in life, i take that as bad karma. i try to do good as much as i can and as often as i can. maybe that just to give me a peace of mind. blaming others for your own actions are just irresponsible and pointless. the problem will still exist even if u happily throw the responsibilities to others. though i have a high level of patience, and i seldom do things expecting something in return, but i am a human after all. i have my own limits. please do not take advantage of me.

before anyone tries to get defensive and squeezing their brains thinking what they have done, the above is just a reminder to myself not to be like those mentioned because personally, it does make a better world with less of those, and im planing to improve the world im living in.