thoughts

"holding onto anger is like grasping hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who gets burn" -buddha-

i need to get this out somewhere. seriously do.

i personally am never a person that use this 4 letter word h-a-t-e. i never like my friends use it either. i find this word is a word that carries great power and grave consequences. its a word full of negative energy and carries a meaning of extreme dislike and unwanted in any given condition the word is applied. from my own point of view, its very hard to get me to actually hate something. this is most probably due to me understanding the reasons why i hate something, or why i dislike something. for example, i don't like eggplant because of the texture of the eggplant once it is cook. i respect people that love and adore them, but i still don't like them. i have no reason to hate an eggplant, because it is bad for me right?

"A precious liquid, a poison dearer than that of the Borgias - because it is made from our blood, our health, our sleep, and two-thirds of our love - we must be stingy with it." ~Charles Baudelaire, "Advice to Young Writers," 1867

recently, for some reason, a single hate thought keep creeping into my mind. a thought that is very disturbing for me, for some reason keeps repeating itself again and again, and every time it happens, it grows. given the fact that i am actually aware of this hatred thoughts, i find it very disturbing to myself and will most probably be to many others as well if i share this with them. but as i were about to try to understand the problem, it just seems to get worst. i cannot pin point a reason for the thought to come through. it is just something that actually happened, that i assumed it happened with a reason but i do not know, which makes me very hateful to it.

"We hate some persons because we do not know them; and will not know them because we hate them." ~Charles Caleb Colton

it horrible to actually have that thought (thank god its not everyday and every minute) but, the point is, i cannot figure out the reason of it! its almost driving me crazy. what actually keeps me in line now is basically me being aware that it is a thought, and i am able to control it (if u have a better word) and slowly push it away. but, i guess, it is just like swiping the dust under a carpet and hope it will magically disappear. its actually tiring figuring out the reasons for this disturbing thought, and at the end of the day, i gain nothing from it. but it creeps into the wandering mind, like a weeds growing in an unattended garden, sucking up all the nutrient and manifesting throught the garden patch, killing all the beautiful flowers.

"Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat". ~Henry Emerson Fosdick

as for now, i guess i will have to keep looking for the reason for it.

"I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him." ~Booker T. Washington

the walking orange~

i cannot admit, life is getting great recently. projects by projects piling up which all im looking forward to. volunteer to the special olympics, a concert to organize, and, a trip to the rural to have podiatry experience! and one camp to organize as well depending on my commitments nearer to the time. Yet i feel relax and not too much on my plate.

1 quarter of 2010 has already gone by in a blink of an eye.

january:

january was a pretty hectic and tiring. good news did come through this month. moving into a new house was the grand opening of 2010. we took about 1 week to pack, move and unpack our whole house. a pretty good achievement i would say. like most people, we throw lots away, and bought new stuff for the house. the new house, is a double story town house with, rooms on 1st floor and the rest down. best part of it, the new house now actually has a living room, dining and a kitchen! feels homey now compared to the last. we have make effort to keep the house in a clean and un-messy condition, and up to today, i say we are doing a good job! apart from the house, i was tearing my hair out studying for my pharmacology exams. it wasn't something i would want to repeat. pretty sad times. good news, i officially comfirm my dates on going home! just to penang thou, its pretty sad that i can't get back to my home 'home' in sabah. but, at lease i know im going home

febuary.

febuary begun with a full blast of studying, being home alone, and more studying. it was fun times when i was alone. right after my paper, i flew home to penang. it was fun times being able to meet up with my cousins on the island. i was suprise how much he grew, no more head butting or biting anymore.. *sigh* miss those times.. =P (sorry Am T, but u really did =P). manage to catch up with granpa n grandma, and all other uncles and aunties, met a new cousin from the states, number of visit to the hospitals, numbers of food hunting trips, plates of hawker food, car rides and some quick shopping. and a plane flight back to adelaide. i alway enjoy traveling alone and had great time spending waiting at the airport. i must mention, i had the most expensive jawa mee and teh tarik in my whole life... RM21.50 for both of that thing =.= oh well. appart from that, short trip to whyalla!!! its a good break especially when the break involve a cut from the world of technology and traffic and all the other city stuff. and back with classes and all

march

March flew by pretty quickly. Uni work picked up and i tried to get control of my life better. March is the month i guess where i decided to ground both of my feet down on to the ground with the mind to be a better person than last year. its working well i guess. i've spend less time going out spending money, and more time doing stuff i am suppose to do. march i guess is a month on lots of mental work compare to the 1st 2 months. lots of things going through the mind, while the body just work mechanically, wakes up, uni, work, etc etc.. but everything turns out well now i guess. all's good for the year ahead!! in fact march also marks the date that grandma is away for 1 year already.. 1 year do really float by quickly..

looking forward to what the next 3 quarters is going to bring me now =)

podiatry, 50% in the making

its suprising to know that i had made it half way into my podiatry course. as i was blogging in a friend's share space page, i might as well, update here as well about what i have learn in 2 years of my podiatry education apart from all the cold hard facts and figures and structures and all about the feet.

like most of us out there, we rely on our feet to move around and sometimes we take our feet for granted until it hurts. I'm pretty sure people out there at a certain point of their life will encounter when their foot or feet hurts so much that they cant use them right? many people don't realise their feet actually tells a story of their life, like their work, health and well-being.

I'm in an allied health field as well. and although sometimes i always think that allied health people earn their money from the pain of others, but its an exciting and fulfilling field. there are always something new to be explore every day and every client (or patient) you see has a different story behind. in my field of podiatry, we basically not only treat the foot condition, but also figuring out whats the best way and advice for our client depending on their economy status as well as their welfare. for example, we wont recommend a 300AUD pair of shoes to someone that earns 1000AUD per month.

personally i love what im doing now. i know i always wanted to do something that could help people out there and podiatry is sure one of them. it isn't as grand as becoming a doctor or as noble as becoming a nurse, or earn as much as becoming a physiotherapist, but, in this job, the return of your clients becoming free from pain and be able to help people to get back on their feet (literally) is always a good thing to see. the bad side, you will be serving the feet of other people for the next 30 years or so (unless you change jobs of course).

sometimes it kinda goes to the extreme when u notice yourself noticing way people walk and each and lumps and bumps on your own feet with all crazy conditions running through your mind. but at the end of the day, you can always tell yourself you have a more healthy feet than many people out there =)

salt or sugar?

there is a huge difference between salt and sugar..

as after working for such a long time in the kitchen.. you should have known better..

but, what you have done.. was a disaster..

biggest mistake ever and one of the biggest no-no in the kitchen..

sigh~~~~~~~

how could you... how could you have done it??

=(

airport.

im always amaze what airports can offer. a humble little hut with a flat land behind to a sophisticated long run way with colorful lights all around and advance architecture design buildings all serve a same purpose. many many years ago, when i was a little guy with the height of 3 feet(yes.. many many years ago) airport is where i watch planes land and take off. my brother and i will keep watch at the observation area where we would look out for planes to land (which usually dad is on board) and watch it land safely down. i too had a chance to fly every year back to my hometown.

short description on airports that time, the airport at that time is basically a roof held up by 4 walls. its open aired, no air conditioning, and ticket counters are much more taller than i was and i never had a chance to see whats happening behind the counter (i was short that time). trolleys were huge, with sharp corners and i can sit on it with someone else pushing behind. securities are lacking and simple. weight limits are practically non existing and no one rush to stand at the gate to get good seats in the plane. Oh, and we have to walk up stairs to the plane and have to carry umbrella on our own when its raining. there are no such thing as budget airlines and zero dollars air fare. there is only one gate to go to.

today, airports are a building almost like a country by itself. its more than a simple building. airports now are mostly providing free internet access, fully air conditioned, trolleys are much more lighter and cleaner, high level securities with armed police and dogs patrolling all over enforcing their own set of airport rules. limitations to what we can bring up the plane and whats not. more diverse types of people, and god knows, how many criminals, smugglers are under that roof. budget airlines are appearing out of no where and more and more people can fly. technology allows us to walk straight to the door of the plane. and people spend more time on their phones, ipods, music players or laptop compare to talking their family members.

but something is still the same between the old and the new airport. airport is a place where people will leave and return. whether is a business trip or just for their holidays, people will come and go. some might be their 1st time traveling alone, to a place unknown to them, while others will be excited about their long planned trip. no matter then time or the advancement of technology, human emotions in airports are still the same. at the departure hall, parents will repeat their advice to their kids to be careful and call home over and over again, while friends will give each other their final good byes with hugs and jokes. deep inside, feelings of sadness will not be excluded. in the arrival hall, the excitement in awaiting and the voices of taxi drivers, and mobile phone calls telling the whole world they have return brings a tiny atmosphere of celebration.

traveling alone this time back from adelaide and to adelaide, eating the most expensive 'jawa mee' dinner and teh tarik (RM 21!!) loitering around the airport terminal finding anything interesting, and talking to one of the few hundred thousand people in the terminal, finding a spot that is safe to sit without being worried of being mug, or being approached by dodgy people, or involve in so crap stuff (wasn't easy to look for the spot!!!) and making sure i was at my gate before the plane takes off isn't one of the best things that happen in the airport. i guess i understand why some people are sadden by the fact that they have to travel alone in long distance. some company during those times actually make 7 hours at the airport better.

what i hate the most today at the airports is that there are actually people 'living things' that are 'smart' enough to take advantage of other people to preform their evil acts. i miss the times where i could travel safely and worry free, only thinking about the people that i would miss when i board the plane, what i will do for the days to come, and planing how to spend the few hours enclosed in the cabin of the plane. today, we have to think about, pickpockets, opportunity-criminals, bad law enforcer officers, lost luggage, terrorist blowing up planes or any stupid idiot that tries to prevent us from reaching our destination. you never know what will the guy sitting next to you will do, and even if he tells you that he's a business man, how true is that u never know. i guess im a paranoid now. but thank god, im all alive and nothing exciting happen throughout the flight.

airports shouldn't be this way. for me, an airport should be welcoming, and peaceful, for the people that are leaving their country to bring a good impression and for those to arrive to feel welcome. nevertheless, many of this are uncontrolled and unpreventable. i guess i should be thankful that nothing happens to me this time and the many times to come.

looking forward to the next trip back home, traveling home alone or with someone doesn't really matter to me anymore. from now i guess i could start planing so i could have time to get home sooner =) i would be looking forward to what could an airport bring in the future.

life~ the other side of the fence.

its the end of 2009! and things isn't as good as i thought. my plans wasn't going as i planned. and life isn't treating me well. recent weeks are full of disappointments, feeling of being used, or taken advantage of. which is kind of bad when there is a bit of everything and you have no where to go to or push those responsibilities away. personally i hate to disappoint myself, i then will hate myself more for disappointing others, my friends and family. i said i be back home and because things that could be avoided, i have disappoint them. i don't care what others say, but it is me that i'm disappointed with. no one is to blame other than myself.

i never expect that the wave of 'destruction' will spread so wide. i thought i could control it, but no, it went way out of hand. and now, all i can do is just to stand at the middle point, and look towards the end of the seemingly never ending effects of the destruction of the path. thinking about it, and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day seems only seems to make things worst than the day before. people tell me its okay, and all, but no, its not.. its never okay.

many find my current plans very wasteful and 'out-of-your-mind'. yet, i personally feel that is the best way with whatever i have. yea, maybe my priorities in life is not right. so what, no one knows what are my priorities are anyway. i'm sorry if you are not on the top list. or maybe not even on the top 20, or not even on the list it self.

disappointment is one thing. being taken advantage, being used and being taken for granted is something else. i use to not mind to help people to do their stuff. what i mind is people thinks i'm all theirs, as if i don't have my own life, or my own plans. i know i am a flexible person and i am an adaptive person. but wait, you ask me to help you and u expect it to be done even i have my own plans? come on man.. i have my own plans, i have my own life, you don't own me okay! not even my parents own me!(sorry mum n dad, but i think u know what i mean) i hate it when i screwed up my plans. i'm already bad in planing, and thanks to some things that can be avoided, i am either late or have to scrap the whole plan off and put it on the next day. once, twice? maybe, always? maybe not. i don't like it when people think i'm all ways ready for them and no one else. that is just selfish. i love to be there for you, for joy and for sorrow, and all, but i can't always be there, i cannot promise i will always be there 24/7 for the rest of my life. no one can promise that. if one promise that, he/she's either god or lying (face it. its a fact!). if some unforeseen circumstances occurs and i change my plans then i accept it. but if its avoidable or could be done some other way which save time and energy, and was not taken? then its harder for me to understand and accept. yes im a pretty practical person.

maybe i am just to quiet, or maybe i am those that just allow people to trample all over me, allowing people to take control of my life regardless what i say. i don't blame the world for my misfortunes in life, i take that as bad karma. i try to do good as much as i can and as often as i can. maybe that just to give me a peace of mind. blaming others for your own actions are just irresponsible and pointless. the problem will still exist even if u happily throw the responsibilities to others. though i have a high level of patience, and i seldom do things expecting something in return, but i am a human after all. i have my own limits. please do not take advantage of me.

before anyone tries to get defensive and squeezing their brains thinking what they have done, the above is just a reminder to myself not to be like those mentioned because personally, it does make a better world with less of those, and im planing to improve the world im living in.

100 things~

been a while since i last update this site.. to start of, i found this list of '101 ways to make you smile' see how many u been have done through out your life =) i bold ones i did or remembered i did for the past 20 years of my life up to today =)

01. Call an old friend, just to say hi.
02. Hold a door open for a stranger.
03. Invite someone to lunch.
04. Compliment someone on his or her appearance.
05. Ask a coworker for their opinion on a project.
06. Bring cookies to work.
07. Let someone cut in during rush hour traffic.
08. Leave a waitress or waiter a big tip.
09. Tell a cashier to have a nice day.
10. Call your parents.
11. Let someone know you miss them.
12. Treat someone to a movie.
13. Let a person know you really appreciate them.
14. Visit a retirement center.
15. Take a child to the zoo.
16. Fill up your spouse's car with gas.
17. Surprise someone with a small gift.
18. Leave a thank-you note for the cleaning staff at work.
19. Write a letter to a distant relative.
20. Tell someone you thought about them the other day.
21. Put a dime in a stranger's parking meter before the time expires.
22. Bake a cake for a neighbor.
23. Send someone flowers to where they work.
24. Invite a friend to tea.
25. Recommend a good book to someone.
26. Donate clothing to a charity.
27. Offer an elderly person a ride to where they need to go.
28. Bag your own groceries at the checkout counter.
29. Give blood. (still giving and proud of it! )
30. Offer free baby-sitting to a friend who'sreally busy or just needs a break.
31. Help your neighbor rake leaves or shovel snow.
32. Offer your seat to someone when there aren't any left.
33. Help someone with a heavy load.
34. Ask to see a store's manager and comment on the great service.
35. Give your place in line at the grocery storeto someone who has only a few items.
36. Hug someone in your family for no reason.
37. Wave to a child in the car next to you.
38. Send a thank-you note to your doctor.
39. Repeat something nice you heard about someone else.
40. Leave a joke on someone's answering machine.
41. Be a mentor or coach to someone.
42. Forgive a loan.
43. Fill up the copier machine with paper after you're done using it.
44. Tell someone you believe in them.
45. Share your umbrella on a rainy day.
46. Welcome new neighbors with flowers or a plant.
47. Offer to watch a friend's home while they're away.
48. Ask someone if they need you to pick upanything while you're out shopping.
49. Ask a child to play a board game, and let them win.
50. Ask an elderly person to tell you about the good old days.
51. During bad weather, plan an indoor picnic with the family.
52. Buy someone a goldfish and bowl.
53. Compliment someone on their cooking and politely ask for a second helping.
54. Dance with someone who hasn't been asked.
55. Tell someone you mentioned them in your prayers.
56. Give children's clothes to another familywhen your kids outgrow them.
57. Deliver extra vegetables from your gardento the whole neighborhood.
58. Call your spouse just to say, I love you.
59. Call someone's attention to a rainbow or beautiful sunset.
60. Invite someone to go bowling.
61. Figure out someone's half-birthday by adding 182 days,and surprise them with a cake.
62. Ask someone about their children.
63. Tell someone which quality you like most about them.
64. Brush the snow off of the car next to yours.
65. Return your shopping cart to the front of the store.
66. Encourage someone's dream, no matter how big or small it is.
67. Pay for a stranger's cup of coffee without them knowing it.
68. Leave a love letter where your partner will find it.
69. Ask an older person for their advice.
70. Offer to take care of someone's pet while they're away.
71. Tell a child you're proud of them.
72. Visit a sick person, or send them a care package.
73. Join a Big Brother or Sister program.
74. Leave a piece of candy on a coworker's desk.
75. Bring your child to work with you for the afternoon.
76. Give someone a recording of their favorite music.
77. Email a friend some information abouta topic they are especially interested in.
78. Give someone a homemade gift.
79. Write a poem for someone.
80. Bake some cookies for your local fire or police department
81. Organize a neighborhood cleanup and have a barbecue afterwards.
82. Help a child build a birdhouse or similar project.
83. Check in on an old person, just to see if they're okay.
84. Ask for the recipe after you eat over at someone's house.
85. Personally welcome a new employee at workand offer to take them out for lunch.
86. While in a car, ask everyone to buckle upbecause they are important to you.
87. Let someone else eat the last slice of cake or pizza.
88. Stop and buy a drink from a kid's lemonade stand.
89. Forgive someone when they apologize.
90. Wave to someone looking for a parking space whenyou're about to leave a shopping center.
91. Send a copy of an old photograph to a childhood friend.
92. Leave a pint of your spouse's favorite flavor of ice cream in the freezer with a bow on it.
93. Do a household chore that is usually doneby someone else in the family.
94. Be especially happy for someone whenthey tell you their good news.
95. Compliment a coworker on their role in a successful project.
96. Give your spouse a spontaneous back rub at the end of the day.
97. Serve someone in your family breakfast in bed.
98. Ask someone if they've lost weight.
99. Make a donation to a charity in someone's honor.
100. Take a child to a ballgame.

yikes.. thats not many >.< will aim to do more =)