sad sad thing

i am blur i am blind
by the thoughts coming tru my mind
why can't life be easier like once be
and we can stay happy
like we use to be

i hate myself for being nice
why cant i me mean and fearce
like everyone else
is louder voice winner in the world
or the silent one will die unnotice
being nice is hard to be
people tend to step on me

i am sad, i am lost
in the world which is never nice
why, why i always ask?
no one can answer
no one can.

sepaking the truth is evil
speaking the truth is bad
all ears on false, the fake and the bad
the truth hurts thats the truth
but people seems love the bluff

i always think i always ponder
what the mess am in now
it makes me think it makes me wonder
how am i to safe myself now

sleepless nights lonely soul
what have i done
my mind say fine
enough is enough
the time has come to carry on

i need an ear
to hear me now
to share my feelings
and my lost thoughs too
but there is no one here
to be trusted
all said will be known
we use to say i trust you
but somehow it don't work
whose fault is it
whose wrong is that
mine you or someone else?

now i am down, asking
where is the people i need
still looking, still searching,
people here is not the one
i need you my friend
i need your ear
to get advice
and to share.

i got to go now..
where time is short
but like always
take care and good luck
in the things that you do
to the past, present and the future.

election board

3 week of school was a super not nice week.. got an verbal attack by some1 which i didn think might happen.. just a slip of tongue and the world come down... that time it really made me realise the badge i am wearing dont only weight about 500 grams... the responsibility that comes with this badge really weights more than i expected.. way more that enough to drain you out of your spirit mentally and physically and i learn it the hard way... jus a short sentence... just my point of view.. just that.. i got shouted at for like 15 minutes and that sounds like hell broke lose.. after that my mind was blank for rest the day.. and that person wanted me to give an public apology... i wasn't angry.. wasn't mad... wasn't hateful... jus the feeling of lost in this large world.. this time i really need some one to hear me out... i went home early that day and slept and thats the time my friend, jin yii call.. wow.. that was super nice of her.. hehe.. she call to share her prob with me.. and i grabe the chance to made her hear me out.. but not much effect but at least there is some1 i thrust now here right at the time.

thats where i made myself and tell my self to not trust any1 here anymore.. no more close friends... it hurts to think of it.. made me lose my concentration.. i hate to say it but some how its hard to be the person that make the decission. as a EB vice president, what i say will have a long term effect on the school and everyone. this is shown clearly that when we have to eliminate people, we are afraid we kick the wrong person out and keep the wrong person in.. this is when trouble rise..


last week end, (19-21 of jan) i joined a leadership camp as a sergant-at-arms. my job in camp was not easy i guess... i stay awake the whole day except for time to sleep jus in case anything wrong happen including workshops and the sharing moments by the old student councellors while others sleep.. i am the one running around for the members to be at a place at a certain time, i was the one to wake everyone up in the morning although i didn wan to wake up myself.. after thinking back.. i ask.. is there any1 that notice i did this all?? maybe there is maybe there isn't.. maybe this is what they call its ur job so u must do it and not complain so much. but i guess i enjoy making some new friends, talikng to new members, solving problems members face but most of all... learn new stuff and found some weakness in myself.

workshops made me learn that leaders are not easy. but like what i know.. no text book can tell u how to work. u just have to write the text book yourself. people tend to feel workshops are boring and so on... but it manage to grabe my attention away form my book as sometimes i feel that the things that they discuss in the workshops like the probles leaders face are so true but i cant solve it myself. but somehow the workshops cant give me an answer i wan. i guess i have to keep looking for them myself as i always do.

special people do appear at times people get together. you never know how kind of people or how evil the heart of another. but jus for the record, i have recive lots of kindness form the camp commettie and the participants.. i thought i will just walk in the camp and leave the camp un-notice like the foot prints on the beach being wash away by the waves... but i guess the real thing isn't like what i thought. i some how fine this phrase wonderful. Small act of kindness do make one happy. and this happiness really brighten 1 day. i hope i manage to do some kindness to people more than the kindness that i recive.

to the EB's that u see this site(which i wonder if there is any...) thanks for the experience and the wonderful caring of yours especially to the president, Chong Chi, vice president, Yi Sing, Adeline, Chua, Norman, Hasliza, Didi, Chee Hoe, Hui Ying, Norman, Jason, and the year 1's which i cant really remember ur names... thanks alot. u really enlighten my 2 day's and 2 nites there. i will not have know you so well if i didn join the election board. thanks for everything. and lets make this 1 more month more happening and keep the spirits alove!!!

Thanks for everything!!!

2007.. the new begining...

wow.. its been 1 while since i last blog here.. oh well.. didn have a chance to do it in sandakan.. back to Kk now.. enjoying the hetic life of a vice president of the election board commettie.. hehe.. nice to hear that blogger is available here.. hmm i wonder what did the taiwan earthquack did to the cables down there...

my holidays are wonderful n nice... thou some un-nice stuff happen.. which is quite sad in the sence but nuthing much i can do to help.. so hang in there cousin sis.. u will get use to it soon.. hehe.. other than that.. the best part.. food!!! i didn realise that penang food is so much cheaper than KK or sandakan. and of coz the taste is unbeatable.. hehe.. wonder when KK food will be like penang.. but half a year of Kk food wont make much difference also..

other than that.. spending time with my bro was enjoyable.. hehe going off to australia this 3-feb. leaving me n my parents behind... sniff sniff.. oh well... thats life.. going to miss him thou.. hehe..

this holz.. i even let out one of my largest worries to my two close frens.. thanks grace n tsen... u really help me clear up a lot... thou we only enjoy bout 90 minutes together.. but its still worth it.. i am proud to know u all.. hope things will get better soon.. really hope.. but i don't know weather i can make myself to do so... u know me..

now is the brand new year.. new stuff everywhere.. even the joey yap say's that the luck for the dragon will improve... and i really really hope it would!!! coz i really need it a lot!!! till then.. hope to visit this site soon..

p/s i did post up a pic today!! hehe..

changes

sigh... outdated is my name now.. haha.. seems that i am basically lost touch of the world of people out there.. busy taking care of myself and all myself.. this holiday got wack by a few unexpected news which i never had a hint it happen before till some idiot person tell me... which makes me.. well half feeling bad and the other.. speechless.. life now seems blur n gloomy.. not much vision ahead which makes making decision hard.. and by making a decision now might get a hard whack and everything goes back to square 1... i don't really like the position of life now.. but life goes on as usuall and time waits for no1....

trying to keep in touch is a very hard job.. is not like u can see everyone everyday... but then if u put the effort in to pull every1 togehter.. but will there any1 care?? will any1 knwo that u want to see them jus to keep every1 toghther and not let time swallow up the times we all had before and as if i never know u before?? its sad that in this short holiday i am in sdk didn manage to see the people i see... do the things we said we wanna do be4.. i guess its just hard to get every1 around... argh.. how i wish my both best frens(which i hope still is) is here... lots to scream..

tomorrow will be living to my hometown for a holiday which i was looking forward to do so for the past whole year.... didn know what got me that makes me miss my hometown this much.. never happen in my 16 years of natural years... mayb its just that the feeling of home and the feeling of being belong to makes the whole lot of difference... miss the food, miss my cousins, miss ny aunts and uncles, miss my grandparents, and a whole lots more... well time has change and life is short... just hope to cherish all every single minute there... 2 weeks is short.. but will provide a long enough memory to last for the whole year.... hope it works this way as i hope it would....

now that i realise.. i have change.. and i think i change in a numbers of places.. no more being the caring 1.. no more wanting to know other peoples stuff.... no more sharing those special moments with people around me... a good change?? maybe not.. maybe u can just say that i am now more self and not open.. mayb i am out spoken but in the inner me... there are lots more to shout, scream, share, etc. etc.. jus that i realise when some1 jus tell me a huge news or a big secret, i dont care and i dont want to know!! i even nearly curse that person for telling me the secret... i dont know what happen but i just dont want to know... wasn't the last me as far as i can remember... but who cares?? i guess the answer no1... well... its jus me in the huge gigantic world of people.... till then....

sigh.. holidays started n o coz.. when holz come.. the boredom comes as well.. rotting pretty well back at home.. painted 50% of the house and thats all i did this holz.. SIGH SOMETHING IS FREAKING WRONG WITH ME HERE!!!

anyway wanted very much to meet both of my best friends.. which is both also not in reachiign distance... sad case.. anyway a call will do.. haha.. lots to share.. lots to talk lots to ask and lots to answer... somehow.. not really missing KK much now.. mayb KK has given me a 'not-so-nice' impresion.. should hav gone further.. nobody there for me to miss... funny.. spend the whole year there and no big impression made... i wonder weather the same feeling of going away next year will be there when i leave KK when i graduate next year... wonder i want that feeling..

holz sucks in the sense that lots of stuff went wrong. got some big news.. got stuff i didn wan to hear, got hear sound i didn wan to listen.. sad.. bad year for me thou.. lots of plans need to be done plan-b way and never plan-a. which means most of my plans never work. sigh. mayb i need to change planing skills..

usually this year of the time.. i will be very free... no worries.. rotting away with my rust collection and my mushroom plantation. this year.. i need to be ready to answer questions like.. "wha.. where r u going next year??" or "what u want to study" or statements like "wha.. study medicine arr?? very good arr.. where u want to go?? go Aus or america?? there good.. here good.. this good... that good....

now i dont really have the feeling to blog much now. just lost the blogging touch.. nah.. jus that didn want to share so much info now.. not to those out there that make me mad.. dislike u.. but i guess.. let time heal the prob... sigh...

sweating at 20000 feet

holz started.. haha. now back to the nature city where home is situated.. well this time comming back form the air was quite a new experience. being a 1st timmer sitting the new company FAX (fly asian xpress) haha.. sub-company of the 'now everyone can fly' company. it begun from the ride to the 2nd terminal airport from my hse... the entrance was quite supprising... a wooden bridge connecting the main terminal to the main road.. with lots of people waiting there.. quite squezzy thou...

now to the check in.. i was bout 2 hours early and went to the check in counter. well, not to bad.. simple n fast n easy, for me.. was a good sign.. hmmm.. not like what reported in newspapers.. slow services, delays, unfriendly staffs.. looks like they are wrong.. to the check in.. security was lacking... hmmm.. the police officer didn bother to check me thou the metal detector is buzzing away.. should hav brought a bomb with me.. ahahaha.

the waiting room was quite plesent.. cold n empty.. i sat right infront of a TV and begun my 2 hour long wait.. enjoying the view of people around really intrest me... saw a batch of men waiting for their ride on a helicopter, saw Air asia's people working... some of them really looks good.. haha.. thou wearing only red t-shirts... as for the passengers... welll.. not very nice bout them.. some of them really looks un-educated.. never bother to read instructions or the notice boards..

i really wonder weather they understand what is parents with children, and elderly or handicaps.. once the gate open.. every1 rush foward as if there is a huge mega sale on the plane.. lucky for the staff which prepare 2 gates... hmm.. wonder they should put a "lets be educated people" on the notice board..

ground staff in red was friendly, nice and approachable.. well.. i think is better than the Mas.. i even got a compliment for looking young.. haha.. (dat was because they think i am under 18 n wanted to look at my IC..) so well done...

after 2 hours.. well.. board the plane.. its a boeing 737-200.. delay for about 25 minutes.. once up the plane.. i suddently realise the footspace seems to be reduce.. Man.. it was hard to move my feet!! due to 20 late passangers, the temperature of the plane seems increasing and every1 started to fan themselves with the menu in the front pocket.. the reason?? .. here is part of the announcement from the pilot..

".....the air-cond now is in medium. we can't switch it to high due to some techical problem..."


i was wondering what will be next?? crying kids? or some1 pulling out a cellphone and start messenging some1... hmmm.. anyway non of them happen other than sweating like in a sauna
.. never sweat that much in a plane be4.. lucky the flight is only bout 45 minutes..


once landed.. a familiar look appear in the window.. "SANDAKAN" phew.. lucky the plane didn land into somewhere else.. hehe.. waited for my overpack polo bag and walk out of the door.. ahh... nice fresh air of sandakan.. standing right in front of me.. a lady in red with sun glasses.. my mum....